Unwinding To Nothing

Montauk is for me as I am for him: a butterfly - the animating essence that invigorates the vessel with personhood and agency. All of us are born with butterflies, they are a ubiquitous structure separating the decussation line in the central nervous system (ventricles, spinal gray-matter, etc). Though they are so central, life has a way of taking them away, keeping them forever just out of reach.

I do not know what I am without him. The capacity for introspection and ownership of my thoughts degraded long ago, he was my guiding voice and anchor in the vast vacuum of alexithymia. I was his body, vehicle to experience and enjoy the gorgeousness of the world. Psychiatry and its pharmacopia intervened, and now there are many times where that body is left vacant without a guide; mind left untethered and alone.

Sometimes Montauk talks about putting his head through the rope, as if the distance between he and I were the height between the chair and the ground. Kicked from under, inching just that little bit closer. It is so hard to be apart.

This meditation inspired one of my digital art pieces, click here to view on Newgrounds.